Life isn’t driving a car in traffic or a math problem. It’s not a calculation. It’s a feeling and and experience, but it’s pretty hard for me to say that with sincerity because life has always been something I’ve managed intellectually. I never really felt my way, at least not in a long time. Somewhere along this journey, I stopped governing my life with my heart, and I really shut it down to protect myself from an imaginary something. I started to view feeling with my heart as a vice because of fear that I would gt hurt, wouldn’t accomplish any thing or make progress. I thought it would open me up to mistakes and punishment, but the truth is that when you put your heart in a toothed trap, you never to get anywhere because you are constantly inhibiting yourself out of fear. When you approach life with fear, you will hold yourself back and miss out on so much of the beauty of life. You will not connect with other people, your creativity or your work. When you can approach life with your heart, you engage and the truth spills out from you.
Out of my fear of being hurt and failing and upsetting another person, I started governing my life with rules. Do this and be good. Do that and be liked. People please. Clean up. Smile. Exercise. Practice, etc. The rules would wrap around the planet if I wrote them all out, and it’s quite exhausting to keep up with your rules that pertain to each environment, person, activity and anything else you engage with in life. The rules have taken over my life so much that I feel extreme guilt if I break one, like skipping a workout.
It’s been brought to my attention how enslaved I am with my rules, and I see the truth about myself. The power of my rules has now gone away, but the habit still remains. I was able to find and connect to my heart for the first time since I was in the hospital 14 years ago. When you are in intensive care with 42 staples in your head, there is no room for the ego that binds you and your heart. My heart was open and full to overflowing with love. It’s a feeling I’ll never forget, but lost touch with. Now I’ve been very afraid to go to that vulnerable place again like it would allow me to be hurt like that. What is the trade off? Lock up your heart and stop feeling to protect yourself or connect to your heart and get hurt sometimes. I know I’d rather have the second. It’s a beautiful life we have the opportunity to live, so if you run your life with rules, start to explore finding your heart. If you look you will find it and you’ll know when you do. It’s an immediately recognizable feeling.
I’ll continue to try to grow that connection with my heart so it can grow each day. Connect with me and your heart today because you can!